


Operation: S-A-H-D

by cecilia095



Category: New Girl
Genre: Babysitting, F/M, Friendship, Parenthood, Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-22
Updated: 2018-03-22
Packaged: 2019-04-06 06:12:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14050671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cecilia095/pseuds/cecilia095
Summary: "You want proof that being a stay-at-home-dad is bad ass? Here!"





	Operation: S-A-H-D

**Author's Note:**

> A short(ish) fic I *had* to write, because I love Expectant!Ness and Schmidt/Cece/Nick friendship and Nick Miller freak-outs. :)
> 
> I'm a little rusty, so let's just ignore the fact that I don't write as well as I used to and try to enjoy this! If you like it, let me know! It's definitely not my best work, but I just missed writing for this show so much.

When Jess gets pregnant, she tells him in a card-style Hangman, only he isn't really good at Hangman and only has:

W _ '_ E P _ _ G _ _ _ T

"We're poo-gloat?"

"Poo-gloat? _Really_?" Jess narrows her eyes at him and resorts to Plan B, which is pulling this rattle out of her purse and shaking it at him. 

"We're... celebrating poo-gloat with your weird maraca thing?" He tilts his head and looks stumped, and Jess is just frustrated because it's been over an hour and they've gotten nowhere. "I have no idea what you're tryin' to get at, honey, I'm sorry. I'm worse at Hangman than Winston is at puzzles."

Jess puts down the rattle, closes the Hangman card, and climbs onto the couch and slides into Nick's lap. "Your... um... your tadpoles... _succeeded_."

"Wait. Hold on. Wait." Nick shakes his head and looks at his wife with these wide, crazy eyes. " _That_ I understood."

"Of course you did." She laughs, her tongue between her teeth, and then she grabs his face in both of her hands and lets out a breath. "Nick, I'm pregnant. We're - we're having a baby."

—

Jess refuses to find out the gender, and Nick's search history is filled with things like: 'how to trick your wife into finding out the gender of your kid', but he's got nothing and Jess is _insistent_.

"It's our first baby, I want it to be special."

"It  _is_ special, Jessica. You're pooping a living, breathing human outta there." He points to the little bulge of baby underneath his wife's striped skirt, and she flicks his hand away.

"Is that what you think happens?", she asks him with narrowed eyes. "Nick, you saw Cece  _and_ Aly give birth."

Nick wrinkles his nose in disgust at the memory. "I sure did, and now I know what  _both_ of my best friend's wives' vaginas look like. You say that like it's a happy thing."

"Childbirth  _is_ happy," Jess argues, "and it'll be even happier when we're both surprised. Cece and Aly both found out what they were having, and they were like, five-hundred percent less excited than we're going to be."

"If you popped out a Schmidt mini-me, you wouldn't be too excited either," Nick says. "And don't get me started on how much Winston and Aly's kid poops, man."

—

"You want me to do  _what_?"

"You're a writer, Nick! You can write on the toilet, if you wanted to. I can't teach kids in our bathroom with a baby on my hip."

Nick levels a hand at her and goes, "Modern schooling. I'm sure you're not the first one to come up with that idea."

"I'm  _not_ leaving my job just because we're having a baby," she argues. "I'll take my maternity leave, I'll  _try_ not to think about work for three months, but then I'm going back."

"Oh yeah?! So am I!" 

Jess rolls her eyes and sets a hand on her belly. "You better not be talking about the bar, Nick. You don't need to be bartending anymore."

"I'm a struggling writer, Jessica!"

"A 'struggling writer' whose book was named in "Top Five Audiobook Road Trip Reads"? B.S." 

"Do you see what being home with a kid all day  _does_ to men? Look at Schmidt!"

"That's sexist, for one, and also, Schmidt's  _thriving_. He choreographed a full-on routine to a  _Moana_ song for Ruth the other day and it turned out  _wonderful_."

Nick pretends to gag. "I'm not sayin' I won't love that little baby, Jess. I'm - I'm gonna love 'em so much. I just... I make enough money now; you can stay home with this kid and any more kids we may have."

"For starters: We're having  _at least_ two more. I have a lot of five-person-family Christmas card ideas. Second: You could make all the money in the world, and I'd still want to work. I  _love_ my job, and that doesn't mean I won't love coming home to my babies. I just... I need to do this, and I'm not letting you take that away from me."

Nick gets it. Jess may not make the most money in the world, and her job description never warned her about all of the time she'd have to spend teaching kids where babies  _actually_ come from because the school doesn't have the best luck when it comes to hiring a legitimate health teacher, and whatever. She loves her job because she kicked ass to get there, and he gets it.

(Or you know, he tries to, because Jess is the love of his life, and stuff.)

—

"You want proof that being a stay-at-home-dad is bad ass? Here!"

Schmidt races to his fridge and rips off this drawing of a house and some flowers and shoves it at Nick.

"A mediocre picture drawn by your semi-talented four-year-old. So?"

Schmidt rolls his eyes and tells Nick to read it out loud.

"Fine, you dummy." He takes a breath and starts to read it in the best four-year-old voice he knows how to do. "My name is... Ruth. I am... four years old. My best friend is... my mommy. - _Ha, she doesn't even like you._ \- When I grow up, I want to be... an Associate Strategies. Something I learned from my mommy and daddy is... If it's not 400 thread count it isn't real. 

"See?"

"You're an idiot, man. Don't corrupt Ruth like this. Also, teach her how to draw a house properly. They don't have circular doors!"

Cece walks through the front door right then, and Nick jumps up and goes, "Her doors aren't that bad! And she colored in the lines - sometimes."

"Huh? Oh, hey, Nick." She shoos a hand dismissively at him, holding the door open for their daughter, who's lugging a Sleeping Beauty backpack behind her and groaning. "Ruth had a looooong day. Are her celery sticks ready?"

Schmidt holds a finger up at his wife and his daughter and pulls a plate off of the counter top, holding it in front of him. "With a surprise, peanut buttery twist."

"This is too much for me," Nick says. "This kind of feels like a sneak peak of what my life is going to be like in four-and-a-half years and I kind of want to drink a whole case of beer because of it, so." He crouches down to Ruth's level and shakes her hand, and she just stares at him like, _You're not my after school snack_. "Enjoy your celery, kiddo. Love ya."

"Wait, are you still freaking out because Jess told you she wants to work after she has the baby?" Cece asks, and Nick just nods silently. "Why?! You're a writer; she's a middle school principal. You can write those weird books right from the comfort of your own living room."

"Because it's not just me and the books, Cece. It's a kid. All day long!"

Schmidt's taking out Ruth's braids and he looks up at Nick with a scoff. "What's so bad about being home with a kid all day, huh?"

"Don't do this, Schmidt. Not in front of R-U-T-H, man."

"She knows how her own name is spelled, you idiot," Cece says through gritted teeth. "But seriously, what's so bad about being home with a kid all day? As much as I love going to work everyday, coming home to my kid is way better. I wish I was the one who got to stay home with her sometimes - sorry, honey. But I'm so glad she has Schmidt so she doesn't have to be stuck in some weird, preppy LA daycare all day being raised by somebody else's teenage kids."

Schmidt balls his hands into fists. "Those minimum-wage muskrats."

"I'm just nervous, okay? I've never been responsible for another life before. I'm not even that good at being responsible for my _own_ life. Can sperm be... returned?"

Cece rolls her eyes. "Umm, Jess is five months pregnant. I don't think it works like that. Maybe, if you spent less time telling yourself you're not gonna be good at something, you'd... I don't know... naturally be good at it?"

"I agree," Schmidt interjects, "and not just because I'm a S-A-H-D myself." Nick raises an eyebrow at that. "'Stay-at-home-dad'. We have a Facebook group: HomeDaddies Of LA. I'll send you an inv'."

—

Jess is seven months pregnant when Nick brings it up again.

They kind of dropped it for a few months there, mostly because getting ready for a baby is  _exhausting_. There's the nursery thing, the 'gender-neutral' clothing Jess sent Nick to the store for, those weird breathing classes, getting the hospital bag ready, the 'going home' outfit (which Jess got personally customized from some girl on Etsy who does this crap for a living; Nick is warned to check the front door in 3-5 business days for it and when it doesn't come on the 6th business day, Jess asks him for help typing an angrily worded email)... There's just a  _ton_ of stuff to do and the kid hasn't even graced them with its' presence yet.

"Hey Jess? What if the baby spits up on my laptop?"

Jess is sitting down on the couch knitting a - scarf? - for the baby, and she just drops it into her lap and sighs. "You have insurance. Don't do this, Nick! I thought we were done talking about this."

Nick wants to argue back, but he has to take a breath and remind himself his wife is growing a freakin'  _human_ , and then he just sits down on the couch next to her, a hand in her lap. "I'm just scared, Jess."

"So am I. I'm the one who has to do all the pushing. I'm the one who might have a _bathroom accident_ during labor."

"Whoa, that can happen?! I'm  _definitely_ videotaping." 

Jess smacks him on the arm. "My dad said the same. I will murder both of you if you bring a video camera into that delivery room, I will."

He sighs and leans back into the couch a little bit, his hand moving up her lap and onto her belly. "Hey kid," he says, resting his hand there. "I feel weird calling you 'kid'. I'll call you Pepperwood Junior. Yeah. I like that."

Jess winces. "You're the only one. The baby kicked - in anger and rejection, of course. 

"You're dramatic." He leans over and smooches her on the cheek. "I'm just scared. What if I screw up Pepperwood Junior's life? I don't know how to choreograph any Disney songs. I don't even have the attention span to sit through a Disney movie!"

Jess laughs and puts her hand over his. "Neither does Schmidt. He goes on Pinterest on his iPad while Ruth watches  _Frozen_ , and she's so into it she doesn't even notice. Dad hacks."

"I'm super pissed yet not surprised that he has a  _Pinterest_ , but good to know."

"I would  _never_ ask you to stay home with our baby if I didn't believe you couldn't do it, Nick. You know how picky I am with that stuff."

"I know." He widens his eyes. "Remember the time Winston offered to water the plants when we went to Europe?"

"I told him he was a murderer. You think I forgot about that time he stuck his succulents in a dark corner and forgot about them?"

"Clearly not," Nick laughs. "Jess, I just want to do a good job. I always want to do a good job for you."

"You  _do_ , honey," she tells him. "You were  _so_ good at that diaper-changing course. You set a record time."

He lifts his hand up and wiggles his fingers. "What can I say? I'm a magician with my hands."

"You really are." She licks her lips. "That's 3/4ths of the reason we got pregnant, but you know that." 

"I don't know what the other 1/4th was, though," he admits.

"Because we couldn't let our friends beat us! They can't be on number two before we're done cooking number one!"

—

Nick gets a little practice in for the big day when Cece and Schmidt ask him to babysit Ruth for the day while they're at a friend's wedding. He's watched her before, plenty of times, but this time is different because his wife's due date is in less than two weeks and he's internally freaking out.

"It's no different than the last ten times you've watched her, man," Schmidt says, using the mirror in Nick and Jess's hallway to obsessively adjust his tie. "Ruth, you're going to be an angel for Uncle Nick, right?"

Ruth flashes this big smile at the both of them. "Duh. Where's my  _Frozen_ D-B-D?"

Schmidt reaches into Ruth's duffel bag - a big, pink 'RUTH' embroidered on the front as if it'd belong to anyone else - and grabs the DVD out. "Don't forget to teach Uncle Nick his parts on " _Love Is An Open Door_ ", okay?"

"Greaaaaat... Love that one," Nick says under-enthusiastically, shooting Ruth a thumbs up. "I get to be the older sister, right?"

"Elsa isn't in that song, Uncle Nick. You can be Anna; I want to be Hans."

Nick nudges Schmidt. "You guys doin' the whole 'gender netural' thing too?"

"No, she just thinks Hans' part is louder, and she loves to shout. Would she be my kid if she didn't?"

"Good point."

"And for the record," Schmidt adds, whispering so Cece and Jess have no chance of hearing him from down the hall, "I don't buy that Jess doesn't know what the baby is. It's a girl. I can tell."

"What, you a gynecologist now, too?"

"I didn't coin the term 'VAGENIUS' back in 2012 for nothing, Nicholas." Schmidt shakes his head in disappointment. "Her entire aura screams 'girl'. Cece thinks it's a boy but she's always wrong."

"What am I always wrong about?"

Cece and Jess are right outside of Nick and Jess's bedroom door. Cece's slipping into a pair of black heels that Jess is letting her "borrow" even though they're both pretty sure these were Cece's heels first and that she let Jess borrow them years ago for this thing.

"This tie. It's  _hideous_."

Cece finishes slipping into her heels and walks over to her husband, giving his tie a tug. "It's fine. Did you give Nick Ruth's bag?"

Nick holds the duffel bag up to Cece. "Is she staying over for the day or moving in?"

"You can borrow her if you want to," Cece says nonchalantly, and then she bends down and picks up her four-year-old and smooches her all over. "I'm kidding. I'm gonna miss you  _so_ much, baby. Be good!"

"I always am!"

Nick begs to differ. This one time, she got into Jess's drawers and slipped into a piece of her lingerie because Nick fell asleep "on accident" and Jess got called down to the school. By time Cece picked her up and freaked out about what her kid was wearing, she threatened to cut Nick's manhood off and feed it to Winston's cat because Ruth ratted him out. -- _"Where was Uncle Nick the whole time?!" "Sleepin'!"_

—

Nick is pooped. He's watched  _Frozen_ twice and  _Tangled_ is now on loop in the background. 

Ruth begged to change into this princess dress that she just  _had_ to bring over, and since he's only the uncle (and since he loves the kid so damn much), he couldn't say no.

"Hey, you look like the girl in the movie!"

"That's the _point_ , Uncle Nick. I'm Elsa," Ruth retorts, a hand on her hip. "When Aunt Jess's baby comes, can we dress her up like Anna?"

"Daddy told you it was a girl too, huh?"

Ruth shrugs. "Mhm. You can give her my name if you want. I'm a good sharer."

"That's okay, sweetheart. I'm banking on a boy named Julius Pepperwood." He lifts a finger to his lips and makes a shushing sound at her. "Don't tell Aunt Jess though, okay?"

She reaches her tiny little hand out and grabs his. "Okay."

After that, he makes her hot chocolate - only if she promises to eat her vegetables at dinner, and she does - and then he makes her change out of her princess dress ("Looks expensive, kid") and into pajamas, and they both fall asleep on the couch, Ruth bundled up in blankets on his lap with  _Tangled_ in the background, until Cece and Schmidt come back from the wedding.

"He did  _so_ good."

"He's going to sleep for a  _week_."

"So is she. He got her to eat  _carrots_?"

"I heard the whole thing from the bedroom. She didn't even need to dip them in anything."

"Amazing."

—

"You were kind of incredible with Ruth, baby," Jess says, caressing Nick's shoulder. He's on his laptop writing something, and he jumps at her touch. "Like, she went home and asked Cece to come back over here today just to watch  _Moana_ with you."

"She tried to get me to sing the song."

"Word on the street is you  _did_ , so..."

"Like, two lines." He waves a hand at her dismissively. "I love the hell out of that kid, Jess. She's much cooler than she was a few years ago; she's like... a little person now. If we have a little girl, I think I'll be okay."

"Well that's great, because I just  _feel_ like I'm having a girl. Don't ask me why." She runs both of her hands over her belly and takes this long breath. "I think it's partly because I'm swollen like...  _everywhere_. Cece said girls make you fat even in places as stupid as your damn kneecaps."

He leans over and slips a hand on her backside, pulling her in for a quick kiss. "Few more days, honey."

—

"You were all wrong."

Cece and Schmidt jolt awake from their sleep. They're both uncomfortably stretched across two chairs in the waiting room, a passed out Ruth in between both of their laps.

"Wait, where are Aly and Winston? They were wrong too."

"We sent them home," Cece says tiredly, running her hands up and down Ruth's back. "They have a baby, remember? They said they'll come back in the morning."

"Tell us Jess is  _still_ in labor," Schmidt groans. "I've lived off of nothing but vending machine crackers for the last...", he stops and dramatically looks at his watch. "Sixteen hours! Hurry up, Jess's vagina!"

"Shh." Cece nudges him, hard enough to get the point across but soft enough not to wake up their sleeping kid. "So? Are you a dad?"

"I pictured this going much differently, Nicholas. I wanted a hug, maybe even a kiss, a few tears. You're really lettin' me down, man.  _I_ kissed _you_ when Ruth was born!"

"A taste I'll never truly be able to get out of my mouth," he says, taking a deep breath. His hands are pocketed and he's still trying to process the fact that he just saw his kid being born like, five minutes ago. "It's um... it's not a girl."

"I knew it!", Schmidt exclaims so loudly he wakes up Ruth. 

"What?! You were the one bragging the whole time about it being a girl, you dipsh -"

Cece throws him a glare before he finishes that word, but then she races over to him and throws an arm around him. "I'm so happy for you guys, Nick. Are you - Are you okay? Is Jess okay? You look like you're about to vomit. Please, not on my shoes or my kid."

"I just - I watched my wife birth a human. And it had a penis and I didn't expect a penis because your stupid husband had me so convinced we were having a girl but I'm - I'm fine. I just need a few seconds to process the fact that I'm responsible for this little person for the rest of my life."

Cece hands a very cranky, sleepy Ruth to Schmidt, and he explains to her that she just got another little cousin.

" _Another_ boy?" She wrinkles her nose and then buries her head in her dad's shoulder. "Can we return him?"

"His - his name is Nick. I told her we didn't have to, but Jess insisted. We were gonna go with 'Walter' because of my dad, but my dad was kind of a piece of crap to people, so we just..."

"Another Nick Miller in the world? What a glorious day!" Schmidt throws his hands up in the air and quickly smooches Nick on the lips before he can stop him. "Was that so bad?"

"Normally, yes, but I just had a  _kid_ , so whatever..."

"Go! Go be with Jess and your baby!" Cece says, shooing him away. "We'll go home and change, call Aly and Winston, and be back in a few hours. I gotta get this little one in a real bed for a few hours."

"She means you, right Schmidt?", Nick jokes, and then he strokes Ruth's forearm and whispers. "Hey, now you have a little cousin who can do the boy parts in  _Frozen_ with you."

"And he _has_ to dress up as The Beast when I wear my Belle dress, right?"

Nick laughs and kisses Ruth on the top of the head. "Sure, kiddo."

—

Staying at home with his kid means he gets  _really_ good at changing a diaper, really good at dodging food - specifically sweet potato; his kid hates the stuff - being thrown at him from a highchair, really good at watching Disney movies, really good at building stuff out of Legos - and knowing where they are to warn his wife not to step on them, because he's too pooped from watching Nick all day to actually clean them up. 

Jess is really good with Little Nick too, obviously. He's  _such_ a mommy's boy, and when she gets home from work, it's almost like he forgets Nick is there. Watching his wife's face light up when she gets home and realizes her kid is there waiting for her is probably his second favorite thing, next to the two of them. She always does dinner, even when it's later than she meant to get home, even when she cries out of exhaustion in the middle of bath time because she's technically  _always_ on duty. It takes a little while to get used to, but Nick is patient and Jess is even more patient, and Little Nick is so loved.

He says "daddy" before "mommy", is  _also_ a fan of  _Frozen_ like his cousin Ruth, and is the best thing that's ever happened to Nick.

(Aside from his wife, obviously.)


End file.
